


[Audio Drama + Script] Metamours

by Ellejabell, Wereflamingo



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Audio Format: M4A, Audio Format: MP3, Audio Format: Streaming, Audio drama, Community: pod_together, Compersion, F/M, M/M, Multi, Podfic, Podfic & Podficced Works, Podfic Length: 10-20 Minutes, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-14
Updated: 2018-09-14
Packaged: 2019-06-22 07:18:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15576666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellejabell/pseuds/Ellejabell, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wereflamingo/pseuds/Wereflamingo
Summary: METAMOUR: The partner of one’s partner, with whom one does not share a direct sexual or loving relationship. (Urban Dictionary)Ron and Hermione’s son got married tonight, and emotions are running high. Viktor, Hermione’s long term boyfriend and Ron’s short-lived teenage celebrity crush, makes a surprising pass at Ron, but Ron finds himself more concerned with their existing bond as metamours and Viktor’s place in their family. Not that he’s not intrigued, of course.





	[Audio Drama + Script] Metamours

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! We hope you enjoy our project for [pod_together](https://pod-together.dreamwidth.org/) 2018, the annual writer-podficcer collab fest. This project is an audio drama, and is meant to be listened to, but we've included the script for those of you who can't listen or need to read along while listening.
> 
>  **Contributors:**  
>  Wereflamingo - script, voice of Viktor, cover art  
> Ellejabell - audio editing, voices of Ron & Hermione

**Download links:**  
[MP3](https://drive.google.com/open?id=1f7Y4lU6RS5x09FGUVjNMnokz2gjXsU0P) (12.5 MB)  
[M4A](https://drive.google.com/open?id=1BBTqEvpPtvNRotmeSxOqPgr9YLpuP3uz) (15.5 MB) 

**SCRIPT**

**HUGO'S WEDDING**

SPEECH MAKER  
To Betina and Hugo!

GUESTS  
To Betina and Hugo!

General hubbub, the scraping of chairs, and band starting to play, lasting for a few seconds, with the noise fading leaving just music for a little bit. 

Much quieter atmosphere, quiet non-live music, occasional distant sounds of scraping chairs and plates and cutlery being collected. 

RON  
(softly)  
I reckon that went alright.

HERMIONE  
(very close)  
It did, didn't it?

RON  
I just wish we could do this for Rosie too.

HERMIONE  
Well she doesn't want us to! I can't say I blame her, even with eleven people cooking and seven setting up, a wedding is a frightful amount of work.

RON  
Don't remind me, I can't feel my feet.

HERMIONE  
Do you want to go sit down for a bit?

RON  
Nah, this is nice. We didn't get to dance before.  
Didn't they look happy though? I reckon it's worth it. I'd do it again if it's for my little girl.

HERMIONE  
Honestly, Ron, they've been together for seven years. Do you really need a wedding to know they're happy?

RON  
I know they're happy.  
This has such an air of finality to it, doesn’t it? Rose slipped away from us little by little, and now Hugo’s gone.

HERMIONE  
Ronald Weasley! Are you having empty nest syndrome? We haven’t had either of them living with us for years now!

RON  
Still.

Raucous laughter.

HERMIONE  
Oh, Viktor's drunk.

RON  
Oh?

More laughter.

HERMIONE  
Oh, no. Percy doesn't look too happy with him.

RON  
(snorts)  
Not happy? He looks like he's about to burst. And here I thought I'd missed his annual joke.

HERMIONE  
Take Viktor home, will you? I just have to sort through all the dishes so everyone gets their own back, and I think we have a few more guests who need to be apparated home.

RON  
Don’t take too long, ‘Mione. Mum and Fleur and Bill will finish sorting this out. Our son got married today. Come home.

HERMIONE  
You don’t mind that I invited Viktor to stay, do you? Would you rather it was just the two of us?

RON  
It’s been twenty years, love. He’s been there for so many milestones. He’s earned the right to be here.

HERMIONE  
It's not his son who got married today.

RON  
He's family. He's your family, and you're my family, so he's family.

HERMIONE  
(pleased)  
Oh, Ron!

RON  
Oof!

Light kissing sound.

A few moments of just music.

PERCY  
(yelling in the distance)  
How dare you? You- you deviant! I won't stand for this!

RON  
Uh oh.  
(rushed whisper)  
Love you 'Mione.

Kiss sound.

Running footsteps on earth.

VIKTOR  
Ronald!

BILL  
Oh, thank God!

RON  
(low)  
Come on mate, let's take you home.  
(raising voice)  
Thanks, Bill! Good night!

A pop of apparition. Stumbling as Ron sets Viktor on a chair. 

RON  
Sit. I'll get you some water, and then coffee.

Cupboard door opening.

VIKTOR  
(a little far away)  
You will put something interesting in the coffee, yes?

Running water.

RON  
You've had enough to drink. Time to sober up.

VIKTOR  
I sober up quickly, I eat only little bit. Drunk quick, sober quick. Metabolism!  
(drinks, puts down glass)  
Thank you.

RON  
(amused)  
If you're trying to get your seeker's build back, I think it might be too late for that.

VIKTOR  
No, no. Is good for me being Auror. Now is good to be big.

RON  
Should have had more food, then. It was excellent.

VIKTOR  
I was busy. You have very attractive family.

RON  
Is that why Percy was so angry with you? You tried to flirt with him?

VIKTOR  
(laughs)  
Ronald Weasley, you know me how many years? I do not know how to flirt.

Heavy drawer opening.

RON  
(wryly)  
Worked fine on Hermione.

Drawer closing.

VIKTOR  
(smiling)  
Ah, but not work on you.

Clang of dropped kettle.

RON  
(shocked)  
Sorry?

VIKTOR  
(embarrassed)  
Never mind. Not important.

RON  
I- Er-

Heartbeats.

RON  
Viktor, did you- Do you-

VIKTOR  
It was long time ago, Ronald. Not important now.

RON  
Yeah, but-

VIKTOR  
Look, you are funny bloke. I like funny. I like handsome, too.

RON  
(preens)  
Thank you.

VIKTOR  
But you never liked me.

RON  
No-

VIKTOR  
No, I understand. You love Hermione. You were afraid.

RON  
(deflates)  
Yeah, I was. But that was then.

VIKTOR  
I know. Now you are not afraid anymore. So many years, and she still not leave you, so you know.

RON  
Yeah. Fancy that.

Running water, tap on metal, burst of steam. Kettle and mugs being put down, coffee being poured.

RON  
You did give me a fright when you moved to England, mind.

VIKTOR  
Ah, I see. You thought I was moving in.

RON  
(joking)  
Never mind that, I thought I was moving out!

VIKTOR  
Never. Long time ago, I was jealous. I was angry because all the good looking girls were taken. Now, I don't worry. Woman can have husband and it is okay, if husband agrees. And I don't need to be husband. Being husband is a lot of work.

RON  
(rhetorical)  
You're telling me?

VIKTOR  
(smiles)  
No, you tell me many times. Maybe you just say this to make me not want to be Hermione's husband.

RON  
You can, you know.

VIKTOR  
Marry your wife?

RON  
Move in.

VIKTOR  
I just said, I don't want to be husband. I come, take Hermione on nice date, go home. Come for holiday, go home. Come take you on nice date too, if you want.

RON  
Wow. Okay.

VIKTOR  
Okay, yes? You want?

RON  
Do you want to talk in the morning, maybe? When you're sober and don't sound like you're seventeen again and can't speak English?

VIKTOR  
(smirks)  
If you need me to convince, we can do after date right now.

RON  
(spits out coffee)  
Did you just-

Apparition pop.

HERMIONE  
(a little way away)  
Oh, good, you made coffee.

Thump of bags being put down, cupboard door opening, coffee being poured (last one closer than the first two).

RON  
(bitterly, quietly)  
Blimey, Hermione, that's some timing you've got there.

HERMIONE  
(close)  
Hello, Ronald.

Kiss sound.

HERMIONE  
What did I miss?

VIKTOR  
I was asking Ronald to bed with me.

RON  
Oh good, I didn't hallucinate that then. Thought I'd gone mental.

HERMIONE  
Wait, what?

VIKTOR  
Your husband is a handsome man, Hermione.

HERMIONE  
(weakly)  
I didn't know you were interested in men.

VIKTOR  
(laughs)  
Of course you didn't. When I'm with you, I don't look at any person, man or woman, just you.

HERMIONE  
(giggles)  
Except you were looking at Ron, apparently?

VIKTOR  
(lightly)  
You leave me alone, then I look at everybody. You leave me with your husband, I look at your husband.  
(grins)  
It's not polite not to look when person is talking to you.

RON  
Blimey, who knew Viktor Krum had a sense of humor. And all it takes is an open bar.

HERMIONE  
Really, Ron? You're not bothered by this?

RON  
Don't tell me you thought _I_ don't fancy blokes.  


HERMIONE  
(uncomfortably)  
Well, no, but I thought _you_ did.

RON  
What the hell, Hermione? Why do you always have to assume I'm dense?

HERMIONE  
Well, you never said.

RON  
(kicks chair back)  
You teased me about it. You teased me about Viktor! Just because I don't tell you about every person I find attractive doesn't mean I don't know who they are.

HERMIONE  
You _can_ be a little oblivious sometimes.

RON  
Oh, because you're so perceptive. Which is ridiculous, because you are, when you want to be! You just don't notice things you'd rather not know.

VIKTOR  
Ouch.

HERMIONE  
Don't you start too, Viktor. You didn't think to tell me you had designs on my husband?

RON  
What, are you the only one who's allowed to see other people now?

HERMIONE  
No!  
(in a small voice)  
But he's _my_ boyfriend.  


RON  
(smiling)  
What, are you going to tell me to get my own?

HERMIONE  
(amused)  
Ron.  
(she sighs)  
It's just that I like the way we are, Viktor and I.

RON  
Now you're just being daft, 'Mione. Just because Viktor and I might go out together doesn't mean I'm going to tag along on all your dates.

HERMIONE  
Oh.

RON  
We can spend time together all three of us like we always did, but dates are dates.

VIKTOR  
(sleepy)  
Three people can go on date together.

HERMIONE  
(kindly)  
Is that what you want, Viktor?

RON  
Frankly, it's not what I want. Can you imagine? Viktor wouldn't know if he should pull out my chair for me or fight me for the honor of pulling out yours.

HERMIONE  
(snorts)  
He's not that bad.

RON  
He absolutely is and you know it.

HERMIONE  
Fine, you're right. But I like it.

RON  
(fondly)  
I know.  
And I'm glad there's one daft sod out in the world willing to do that for you because if you had to wait for me you'd be stuck standing in some restaurant for all eternity.

HERMIONE  
Okay, fine. Whatever you do with Viktor is none of my business.

RON  
I'm not even doing anything yet. He could change his mind by morning, he's drunk.

HERMIONE  
We really should put him to bed, he's half asleep already. I'll go make up the sofa in the guest room.

RON  
Wait, come here a moment.  
(quietly)  
Don’t you think that tonight might not be the time to leave him to sleep alone?

HERMIONE  
(incredulous, a little upset)  
You want me to go sleep in the guest room with him? 

RON  
No, I think he should sleep in the bedroom with us.

HERMIONE  
(suspicious)  
I thought you said you weren't doing anything yet. 

RON  
Oh, who cares about that? We're not, but that's not the point. 

HERMIONE  
Then what is the point?

RON  
I said he’s family, didn’t I? Our son got married tonight. I can’t imagine sleeping apart from you tonight, so why should Viktor?

HERMIONE  
Oh.  
I didn’t know you felt that way.

RON  
Yeah, well.

HERMIONE  
You’re right, it’s a good idea. I’ll just make up the sofa anyway, since we have guests coming tomorrow.

RON  
Why? It's just brunch. No one is staying over, are they?

HERMIONE  
No, but Viktor will still be here. I don’t want them getting the wrong idea.

RON  
You mean the right idea.

HERMIONE  
Ron…

RON  
We could just tell them.

HERMIONE  
No, we really couldn’t.

RON  
Why the hell not? It’s just the kids and Harry and Ginny.

HERMIONE  
Because it's private!

RON  
The hell it is! It's not some torrid affair you're having, it's a stable relationship. Viktor is always around for the holidays anyway, that's not private, is it? Why can't they know why?

HERMIONE  
Easy for you to say! You're not the one who would be seen as the villain. I'm the one who's seeing someone else. I just don't want my children to be disappointed in me.

RON  
Why would they be? We don't love each other any less just because you also love Viktor.

HERMIONE  
I know that, but...

RON  
You're not doing anything bad, Hermione. _We're_ not doing anything bad.

HERMIONE  
Of course not, but not everyone is going to agree.

VIKTOR  
I have never known Harry Potter to turn his back on a friend because of something not important like this. 

HERMIONE  
Viktor! I thought you were asleep.

VIKTOR  
I was. You are very loud.

HERMIONE  
Do you really think we could tell Harry? The children?

VIKTOR  
You raised your children. Did you raise them to hate what is different?

HERMIONE  
No, but…

RON  
Honestly, if Rosie was any more open minded her brain would fall out.

VIKTOR  
Also, they are not blind.

HERMIONE  
(horrified)  
You think they noticed? Did they say something?

RON  
Listen, it doesn’t matter. Either way, we'll face it together. And if they have a problem, you can always set some birds on them. I hear that’s a good way to make someone come around to your way of thinking. 

HERMIONE  
(protesting)  
Ron! That was one time, decades ago!

RON  
(quietly, to the side)  
It was twice.

HERMIONE  
Oh, your mother will have kittens!

RON  
Yeah, we're not telling her until we have Ginny on board.

HERMIONE  
Okay, okay. Tomorrow, then. 

VIKTOR  
Tomorrow. 

HERMIONE  
Oh God, what was I thinking. All these years, and it's "Mummy's friend". I'm sorry, Viktor. 

VIKTOR  
You were afraid. 

HERMIONE  
Of course I was! I still am. But I've never thought of myself as a woman who lets fear stop her. So I'm sorry. I love you.

A murmur. A few moments of quiet. 

RON  
Alright, that's enough. You can hug in bed, I want to sleep.

VIKTOR  
Thank you, Ronald. For sharing your special night with me. For everything you shared with me.

RON  
(embarrassed)  
Er, yeah, sure, of course.

VIKTOR  
Tomorrow we can have another special night. The afternoon together, and in the evening you and I go out.

RON  
Oh, um. I mean, if brunch goes okay.

HERMIONE  
Oh, it'll be alright. Probably.

RON  
Alright, if all goes well, we can go for drinks tomorrow night. 

VIKTOR  
Good.   
(pause for long, meaningful look)  
I look forward to it.

RON  
Yeah. Yeah, me too.

**THE END**

**Author's Note:**

>  **From Wereflamingo:**  
>  First of all, my apologies for Viktor's bad accent. I tried not to do the easy thing and go full Russian, but that probably only made it worse.  
> And second, I'd like to thank Ellejabell, who is an audio drama veteran (check out [Here Be Dragons](https://soundcloud.com/here-be-dragons-podcast)!), for teaching me how to write a script, for all the brainstorming help and cheerleading along the way, and for bringing my dialogue to life so spectacularly. I had fun making this with you.
> 
>  **From Ellejabell:**  
>  This was one heck of a cool experience. Having never made a podfic before it was a bit like jumping in the deep end but it was sure a lot of fun! I loved working with Wereflamingo who was consistently thoughtful and talented, put up with all of my last minute theatricts, and gave lots of useful notes. It was a really cool collaboration. Also, thank you to the mods who were super helpful and communicative and made everthing feel a little more managable.


End file.
